How To: Split an Apple in Half with Your Bare Hands

Have you ever looked at a piece of fruit and thought to yourself, "you suck, fruit, sitting there all smug and happy, I wish I could just destroy you here and now?" If so, read on—your favorite Fat-man is going to show you how you can get your revenge on that happy smug fruit sitting in your fridge by breaking an apple in half with your bare hands.

Step 1: Obtain the Tools of Destruction

Go into your attic and find your hands. Attach them firmly, making sure there are no gaps around the wrist area. Then go find an apple. Any kind will do, although I personally find Braeburn to be the perfect mix of smug and annoying.

Step 2: Intimidate Your Foe

Shout at the apple a little. Swear at it. Go on, really vent your frustrations on the fruit. Describe in explicit detail how you're going to break it in half. If you fulfill this step well enough, oftentimes the apple will spontaneously combust on its own accord. If you're feeble minded, the fruit will own you and make you its slave, so take control of the situation by telling it what a foolish piece of botany it is.

Step 3: Take the Stem Off of the Apple

Consider this to be the equivalent of castration to an apple.

Step 4: Place Your Right Thumb Where the Stem Was

Consider this to be the equivalent of castration to an apple followed by jamming your thumb into the open wound. Use this opportunity to insult the apple's mother.

Step 5: Use Your Left Palm to Drive Your Thumb Through the Apple

Use your fingers to help squeeze your thumb into the apple. It should start to groan, then split with a loud crack. Congratulations, you're better than a piece of fruit. Your mother would be proud.

Warnings

• If you try this with a Granny Smith, there's no two ways about it—you're going to hurt yourself. Braeburn apples, Golden Delicious, and smaller or softer varieties work very well.
• This can hurt your thumb. If it hurts, stop.